Mixed emotions
It has now been six-days since I signed all of the paperwork, essentially finalizing the divorce since now there are two signatures on everything instead of just one. Two sets of initials on each and every page instead of just one.
I kept busy this week. That's my therapy for the moment. That's how I am, well, to be honest, that's what I am replacing alcohol with: work. More work. I have always worked more than one job/client/project at a time for the past seventeen years. But somehow, this past week, I have managed to add even more to my days.
This is good on one hand because it means sales are good, numbers are good, I am spending my time on activity that invigorates me, and so on. But it isn't good on the other hand, I know this, because this schedule, this stress, is not sustainable.
Since I have ditched alcohol work has become my new numbing agent.
This will pass. Sales will slow down eventually. And then what? What am I going to use to continue avoiding the elephant in my brain?
A friend told me yesterday: "Look at yourself in the mirror and say to yourself: you have one week to feel like this. After that, move on."
I hear him. I know what he is saying, I know why, and I know I can, I think, BUT...
What is still rattling around my head is that this isn't right. This isn't how it was supposed to be. "This doesn't happen to someone like me." And this certainly doesn't happen to people who come from my family (I'm 99% sure I'm the first of my family to be divorced).
But it does happen to people like you, like it or not it was supposed to happen. And there has to be a first, always.
So I guess I have one more day to feel sorry for myself, to feel bad about all of this, and then I need to acknowledge that it happened, it sucks, but, as I have been saying for 665 days: "It is what it is." Move on. I am still relatively young, it is a big world out there. Embrace what has happened, do better next time, and stop dwelling on the past. Look ahead of you, that is where you are going.